I have been back in Dublin just a few days and I can’t say enough about how much I love this city. Simple things like a decent cup of coffee are hard to come by in the desert so I am thankful to be home. Telling my sick Dad to give me a break to write this seems kind of mean, but it was just heart bypass surgery. I’m pretty sure he’ll be fine entertaining himself for thirty minutes.

 

The break from work is always good especially when you’ve spent a long four days with the most boring person in aviation history.

 

When I met the crew I was feeling really positive about the trip to Jakarta. The destination was not inspiring a sense of fun in me, but when I met the Captain and he told me he was an ex-military pilot I was pretty happy. Those guys are normally great for chugging beers and have decent stories to lighten up the long flights and hotel bar. How wrong I was.

 

If I hear another story about how smart this guys 9 month old baby is I will sterilise myself in fear of producing as boring a life as his. Apparently his child can use sign language to indicate it has filled its diaper. Most babies cry to indicate this fact, but he seems to think that this wonderment is the most incredible thing he has ever seen, he actually used the word “gifted”. How could you possibly make that determination based on inferring the child’s hand gestures means this diaper is packed with poop. It might mean shut your face I’m sick of your shit, give me biscuits!

 

If he has, in fact, managed to make as much home made honey as he claims I would be pretty bored of his nonsense by 0900 every morning. Apparently his honey is great for his baby because it’s full of something I wasn’t paying attention to. But, the point is this child will grow up being fed home made honey and exciting stories about making homemade gin rather than socialising with other children and having real fun.

 

To be honest the gin peaked my interest for around 30 seconds, but I’d rather pay a nice man in a hotel bar fifty dollars to properly pour me a gin cocktail than go through everything he’s banging on about. I realised as he was telling me all this that he invests a hell of a lot of time in doing the most boring shit and not spending any time with his baby. I count teaching the child to use sign language as boring shit, by the way.

 

Will this child have any social skills or will he be “tending the bees” instead of going out to play with his friends? I mean, that’s what I did and although I am no saint I am sure as hell not a boring mess of gin and homemade honey.

 

I thought that I would escape the excitement of our conversation once we made it to the hotel and I actually hid in my room for around 24 hours but then the cabin fever got to me and I tried to escape unseen. He must have been camped in the lobby waiting to pounce with more stories and there were plenty.

 

I can’t say I care all that much if a baby seat can be fitted incorrectly but I know how to do it properly now. Either way, for all his drinking of home made gin he wasn’t all that good at holding it together. Shortly after midnight he demonstrated his need for some home made diapers.

 

He was full of shit in every sense!