Being home last week was great but I’m pretty sure my teeth are going to be the colour of a basketball due to all the coffee that I was drinking. Teeth whitening is something I have never even considered to be honest but I can see why people would do it.

 

I started looking around me at the older folk in my life (those over the age of 35) and checking out the whiteness of their teeth. I am not going lie to you folks; their teeth are looking more tan than white. I think the main reason I’ve been noticing is because Jack has been doing a teeth-whitening treatment here in Dubai and I simply can’t avoid the discussion.

 

His teeth are so white they’re racist. You’d get a form of snow blindness if you weren’t wearing Polaroid lensed sunglasses around him. Don’t get me wrong they look good but you can’t look at anything else when talking to him. He’s not a professional actor and Hollywood isn’t going to be knocking on his door anytime soon so I’ve been trying to figure out why exactly he had spent all his hard earned cash on it.

 

Sipping on a sweet Gin and Tonic by the bay one afternoon his new girlfriend appeared and before he introduced her I knew who she was because the shine from her teeth could be seen from earth’s orbit. She is a lovely girl (dental nurse) but there are astronauts on the ISS who can track her movements on a sunny day!

 

With an understanding that his missus made him do it I chuckled through my brown teeth and sipped on my gin. As always with a hot and sunny day in the desert the plan was to get out on the water in the afternoon. Having dropped a large number of gins into my belly we got ourselves to the marina to grab some jet skis.

 

Before this started I was eyeballing Jack to see how wobbly he was on his feet. He is a shit jet ski driver as it is and with a few gins in his system I was mildly concerned. I saw him putting on sun cream and made the assessment that he seemed to me to be of sound mind and body to go on the water.

 

If you’ve been reading my blogs you’ll probably know at this stage that I am, more often than not, wrong in my assessments of just about everything. Given I had been hammering gin into me I was probably not best placed to be the person who decided we would be safe but that’s Jack’s problem now.

 

I’m a pretty good jet ski driver and I was going as hard and fast as I could on the water. Jack as always was trying to keep up but he was nowhere to be seen.

 

When I saw a lone jet ski bobbing up and down, inverted, in the distance I made my way over as I knew Jack was probably somewhere in the vicinity spitting out salt water and shame.

 

As I pulled up beside him he started to laugh and I am not joking his mouth looked like someone had hit it with a hammer, repeatedly. His teeth were a mess; they were broken and turned sideways and one of his front teeth was actually bent in the middle at a right angle. My face dropped and as he asked me what was wrong I just had to pull him out of the water and get him on dry land as quickly as possible.

 

 

Turns out that all the teeth-whitening treatment has severely damaged the integrity of his teeth to the point that the teeth and their roots are so weak they might as well have been made of jelly.

 

Having spent a month’s wages on the whitening of his teeth Jack is now staring at a hefty medical bill. Maybe his girlfriend can help, but dental nurse or not, unless she’s the Tooth Fairy Jack isn’t going to be getting a new set of teeth under his pillow tonight.

 

Think I’ll stick with the coffee and extra cash.