In the wake of watching Jack knocking out his super-white teeth I’ve actually been doing quite a bit of work. As much as I “like” working I’ve been finding it getting weirder and weirder in the last few months. I just seem to get landed with strange people on every trip away and before you even think it – it’s not me!

 

As is usual with certain nationalities the Captain on this flight to Miami was a dictatorial pain in the hole. He was blatantly throwing the SOPs out the window especially with talking when we should have a sterile cockpit. If he was a nice bloke I wouldn’t mind, but I was being intentionally monosyllabic in my answers, just to be polite.

 

When we get to the top of climb I focus on my EFB to make sure that I am thinking ahead and also checking exactly what SOPs he’s been ignoring. While I’ve got my head down I am all of a sudden greeted with smoke and I panic. I am reaching for my oxygen mask when the sweet smell/taste of sugary apples hits me. I turn around to see this guy sucking on one of those robot-dick vape pens.

 

I am in total shock as apple flavoured smoke fills the cockpit. He smiles and chuckles to himself and asks me if I want to see him blow some smoke rings, my monosyllabic answer is a resounding no, but he seems to have missed this communication and continues to fill the cockpit with smoke.

 

About 30 minutes later, he’s been at it non-stop, the cabin crew call to offer us some food. I assume that by saying yes he will stop this nonsense and I’ll be able to enjoy some food in a smoke free environment.

 

Wrong.

 

We open the door in order to have food dropped in and as we are chatting about our progress I hear screams from the passenger cabin. The number 1 vacates the cockpit with great haste to find out what is going on and calls me back to inform me that the passengers thought there was a fire on the flight deck. I ask the Captain to make a PA to put people at ease but he seems uninterested. I decide that if he’s not interested in doing it then I can handle it. My way!

 

Given my sometimes-volatile nature this was not a good call by the Captain, but that’s his problem. Keep in mind the following is a direct quote of what I said and I can tell you that because it was read back to me by a member of our safety management team this week (recorded by a passenger on their smart phone).

 

“Ladies, Gents, boys and girls this is your First Officer speaking. It seems there may be some confusion over some smoke you may have seen emanating from the cockpit. I would just like to reassure you that at this time there is nothing for you to be concerned about. The Captain was attempting to engage the chemtrails equipment and provide some mind control on behalf of the government, but he likes to break SOPs so he didn’t do it correctly. I can assure you that we have the situation under control as well as your minds. Please sit back, relax and enjoy the remainder of this hypnotic trip to Miami”.

 

The Captain almost shit his pants when I finished my announcement but then he shouldn’t have put me in that position. He actually shouted at me, I just continued my monosyllabic communication style in order to ensure good CRM. We didn’t talk too much after that, but he also didn’t use his robot-dick nicotine delivery system after that either. I’m gonna take that as a win.

 

The company issuing an apology to the passengers with a clear explanation that they do not engage in any form of mind control, chemtrails or otherwise, is pretty funny. Not something the Captain wanted to be responsible for, but he should probably think about that the next time he decides he’s not responsible for the actions of his First Officer.

 

Told you I’m not the weird one, I’m just the one that’ll get you in trouble when you screw up.