I’m really embracing my new found point of view on gender pronouns and the whole issue with labeling people. I feel totally woke. I’ve been making sure that I treat all my coworkers with the respect they deserve although when I asked one of them what their pronoun was she laughed and winked at me. It’s almost too complicated for me to figure out.

 

Much like the fears about Trump and the future of the “whatever lives matter” movements, I am quite worried about being a pilot on an Irish passport when this whole Brexit thing happens. Will I still get into the UK as easily or will they make it more difficult like the old days when dogs couldn’t get jobs as easily as blacks and Irish people.

 

After an excellent weekend in Birmingham, yes you read that correctly, we were on our way through staff security when Brexit profiling took effect.

 

“Step out of line sir”.

 

Suddenly I panic – should I have asked them their pronoun? They seem distinctly stressed about something they are yet to reveal. I get the feeling it’s not a Brexit related issue.

 

Staring at me now, like a child who lied to their parents, she barks “Sir did you remove all liquids from your bag”? I instantly panic. Did I take the massage oil from the hotel room with me? It smelled delicious, but it’s not really my style. I’m starting to stress and as I try to process the question she barks louder “SIR, I repeat, did you remove all liquids from your bag”?

 

I blurt out “obviously” and she sighs. Not good. She walks to my bag, “is this your bag, sir”? Incredulous, I shoot back “it sure is”.

 

The rest of the crew are staring at me now and that Brazilian cabin crew I’ve been hitting on seems to think it’s hilarious. The Captain seems less enthused as the border guard starts taking all sorts out of my bag. At one point she pulls out a pair of dirty boxers and from within them she fishes out a tub of hummus. The look of disgust on her face was palpable and it wasn’t because it was wrapped in smelly boxer shorts, but apparently because hummus is a liquid?

 

When she asks what it is, I say “hummus”. I’m staring at her blankly when she says; “It’s a liquid”. At this point, I’m getting a little pissed off and reply, “No it’s not, it’s hummus”. She also seems to think she holds the trump card as she growls “Hummus is a liquid”! With lightning speed I reply “Hummus is chickpeas and garlic”? I’ve got her! Eyes rolling she raises the volume; “It’s a liquid”.

 

I feel like I’m losing this fight and my inside voice tells everyone that “I’m confused” and I turn to the Captain “is hummus a liquid”? His reply encapsulates the entire situation. “You’re an idiot”.

 

At this point my main concern, oddly, is the fact that she’s not wearing gloves this entire time. She’s been handling my boxers and it’s all I can think about. She is breaking procedure never mind the fact she needs to treat her hands with some sort of disinfectant. I actually had those boxers on for the flight over so they were on me for a sweaty 9 hours in the cockpit as well as everything else. Calvin Klein or not she should not be touching that shit bare hands.

 

The Captain’s intervention seems to have had the desired effect, all the same, and as the crew stare in wonderment at my abject shock that hummus is a liquid I am drawn into an insane scenario unfolding before my very eyes.

 

First she shakes the Captain’s hand, gross, and then tells her co-worker that she’s is going for lunch. As she reaches into her bag and takes out a Pink Lady apple I start to laugh. Brexit profiling may not be real, but health and safety basics may stop you from getting pink eye from a Pink Lady.

 

Enjoy your lunch…

 

Photo by Jonathan Simcoe on Unsplash