I had such a good time at home last week that being just 25 minutes flight time from home this week filled me with a hunger for pints. However, the one-day turn around that we are subjected to makes going for a coffee the safest option. So, I looked up the best coffee shop in Manchester and found Takk. The suggestion that hipsters populate it almost turned me off, but the chance of decent coffee pushed me over the line.

 

As I walked in the door I was greeted by the sweet smell of freshly ground coffee and a queue so long you’d swear we were waiting to get on Space Mountain at Disney Land. They had to be selling some seriously delicious brew here so I started to queue in the hope that I’d get served before my report time for flying; 8 hours later.

 

As I’m standing there it’s hard to avoid overhearing conversations, especially when they’re about peoples relationships, so I just pick up on the most important parts as they pop up around me. In one case this woman is telling her friend how she heard that “Samantha’s boyfriend was caught jerking off into a Pineapple”.

 

I don’t know how people actually do this weirdo stuff. But, I’m pretty sure he was riding the pineapple rather than jerking off into it, but we are talking semantics here.

 

As I listen intently I’m drawn to the fact they’re wearing gym pants in the coffee shop. You know the ones I’m talking about, they say “Just Do It” down the side and are made from some form of space-age fluorescent material that somehow hides the extra weight they’re packing.

 

I for one applaud this kind of attire because it allows both freedom of movement and a sense of fashion. Although I am confused as to why anyone needs to wear it outside of the gym. As I try to figure out if they’ve come from a gym or are potentially going to a gym I notice that we are getting to the top of the queue. When the barista asks them “what can I get you?” there is a stunned silence followed by “oh my god, I haven’t even thought about it”. Too busy talking about nothing. FFS!

 

“Can I get a soy mocha latte?” The barista rolls her eyes, “No, we only do artisan espresso, with freshly ground house blend beans. You’ve not been here before, have you?” I’m starting get pissed off with this shit because I want an artisan espresso made from sweet, freshly ground beans but the dickheads in their athleisure seem to be utterly confused that the coffee wont be containing some form of syrup or non dairy substitute.

 

Eventually, they decide to have a coffee. I’m trying to look the other way so they don’t see the rage in my eyes and then it occurs to me. What these two muppets actually need is to avoid the syrup-laden coffee and to actually go to the gym! The gym is a wonderful place that cares little for sugar-laden drinks or bullshit gossip. It is an equal opportunities destroyer of nonsense that might, but probably not, get these two to shut the fuck up for 5 minutes.

 

The chances of it actually happening are slim to none so I suppose we might as well settle on where their attire is suitable. Instagram! The home of athleisure for all occasions, where there are no rules. A place where men and women in athleisure have a value akin to syrupy coffee, easy to drink in, but utterly devoid of substance.

 

 

Photo by Blake Richard Verdoorn on Unsplash