As you may have noticed I am consistently flying with odd people. This is not my fault, I can only report on the environment that I experience; sometimes it might be me. I don’t know. This week I flew with a guy who I can only describe as a legend and I learned something from him, which came as a surprise, because generally I learn nothing from people.

 

I have been flying commercially for almost 5 years, and in that time, I have never heard anyone mention the threat that UV radiation is to flight crew. Keep in mind I currently live in the dessert, having sprinted from the low cost hell of Europe, and I have to wear sunscreen if I even step outside the door.

 

I would never have chosen to wear any type of protection on the flight deck, until now. This guy, I was flying with, had recently completed a medical with a Chinese carrier, which I will not name to protect him. Let’s just called it Super-duper Chinese Moneybags Airline.

 

In case you are not aware pilots are leaving Europe and the Middle East for the Asian market, because they pay stupid money. Not really my scene, I don’t eat dog, but I do like money.

 

As part of the application process for these Chinese carriers applicants complete a medical assessment, as you do. The interesting thing is that unlike the medical that I regularly do, which I’m pretty sure is just an idiot test rather than medical examination, is that it takes around 3 days and looks something like the medical to enter the NASA space program.

 

One of the tests that applicants are subjected to is a scan to check UV damage to the skin. They check the head and face and from what this guy was telling me his head looked like a shattered iPhone screen; like a web of damaged skin and impending skin cancer. We have all seen that pilot in the crew room, who, despite being only 45 years old, looks like battered shit. You know the guys I’m talking about, who have that leathery yellow skin and look like they have slept a whole 8 hours in two weeks. They also seem to drink coffee in excess making their teeth a matching yellow. That said, I’m pretty sure the coffee is performing some form of physiological miracle that’s actually keeping them alive.

 

No matter what way you assess this, mark one eyeball or medical assessment, it would appear that our friendly sun is secretly trying to kill us with its magic. I’m all for protecting against this stuff, but this guy was throwing factor 30 sunscreen on his head, face and arms every 2 hours. I thought it was a bit extreme and it was making his baldy head and face look as pasty as Uncle Fester from The Adams Family, but I got to thinking about it and maybe he’s onto something.

 

I reckon there should be a payment to all of us who operate on flight decks around the world to cover the cost of the sunscreen and impending cancer treatment because I’m pretty sure this prolonged exposure to radiation isn’t turning anyone into one of the X-Men. We are quite literally risking our lives daily to provide trans continental travel to the masses. I am not getting paid nearly enough for my face and dick to get microwaved daily and end up looking like that old lady from There’s Something About Mary.

 

If there is a fix to this problem I am open to hearing it but I’m pretty sure money will help alleviate the fears of any pilots reading this. Maybe we should all go to the Asian market in order to protect our futures and stave off the impending deteriorating health with bags of cash.

 

Domo Arigato Mr Roboto.

 

Photo by Sebastian Kanczok on Unsplash