Making my way to Head Office to discuss my inappropriate use of the fire test system inflight proved to be a shittier day than I had expected. They basically read me the riot act. In honesty, I feel that’s a little harsh but I couldn’t defend it as a revenge project because that would be pretty unprofessional.

 

Thankfully they’re letting me stay on the flight deck and I’m heading to Australia. I’ve packed my sun cream, spider spray and made sure that I have my iPad just in case I can roll the whole Netflix and Chill at one of the cabin crew when we are down here; I assume everyone knows what it is.

 

When I get to the pre-flight briefing it’s quickly apparent that the other guy is a super-tool. He’s crazy intense and totally trying to impress the cabin crew with his SOP knowledge by asking them questions about what they should expect if something goes wrong or some nonsense. Honestly, I drifted off for most of it because I’m eyeing up one of the cabin crew girls.

 

When we get to the aircraft he does the one thing that I know he knows he shouldn’t do and pulls a GoPro from his flight bag. He asks me if I’m okay with him putting it in the cockpit. My internal voice is screaming ‘dickhead’ and my mouth just goes “sure no problems”. How this sequence of events occurs is beyond me but now I’m stuck being the subject of this moron’s nerdy home movie.

 

I should add in this instance that the use of “personal video equipment” is a company no-no. Given I’ve just been hauled up in front of head office for breaking SOPs, while being hilariously funny, I probably shouldn’t allow this to continue but his intensity is freaking me out.

 

Once we hit the cruise I’m so aware of the camera, I can’t relax at all. The entire flight is spent on edge, I don’t watch a minute of Netflix; it’s a nightmare.

 

Approaching our top of descent we start to get a little St Elmo’s fire across the flight deck windows. He asks if it’s okay to dim the cockpit lighting to ensure the GoPro captures the full effect and I’m just like “yeah whatever”. Out of nowhere there is an epic flash and bang, the entire cockpit lights up like the fourth of July and he spills coffee all over himself.

 

I should be very worried about the whole lightning strike thing but instead I just crack up laughing at the burning hot balls he’s got from all the coffee he’s thrown on himself. I have to undim (if that’s a real word) the cockpit lighting and inspect the damage and he’s basically wearing a damp brown shirt. I do my best to keep a straight face and he asks me to take control. Thankfully the instruments have escaped any damage but he quite rightly mentions the fact that there may be aircraft damage due to the lightning strike. I hadn’t thought of that.

 

All systems appear to be functioning correctly so we decide that the best course of action is to continue to destination. He seems quite shaken up by the whole experience and has totally forgotten that it’s all been recorded. In the haze of his embarrassment and the aroma of fresh coffee he asks if I will take over the pilot-flying responsibilities. I of course oblige.

 

The descent is completed without any other crazy-shit happening and at about 5 miles on the final approach I realise the landing is going to be recorded by his stupid GoPro. I put on my game-face, determined not to screw it up.

 

At fifty feet the system annunciates “50, 40, 30, 20 “ and I reduce the power and slide it onto the runway; I doubt the passengers even felt it. It’s an epic piece of piloting and the grin on my face says it all until he starts shouting: “no thrust reversers”. I realise I’ve been wallowing in my own skill so deeply that I’ve basically forgotten to deploy the thrust reversers to aid us in deceleration on landing.

 

If the passengers didn’t feel the landing they definitely felt the maximum braking applied in order to avoid going off the end of the runway. Embarrassed doesn’t even come close to how I’m feeling but given he’s covered in coffee I know that video is never going to see the light of day. “Dickhead”

 

Laters

 

LJ