I can’t deny my basic love of all things aviation; I spent my entire youth building towards becoming a pilot and I love the day-to-day of operating on the flight deck. I have to be brutally honest though; I hate flying on airplanes as a passenger.

 

As much as I can I try to avoid steerage when I’m flying. It’s so cramped and the smell of cheap generic deodorant that pervades the cabin can only do so much to contain the odour of everyday hard working people. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t dislike anybody sitting here. Truth be told these are my people! But, the legroom, the taste of fresh champagne and the sweet smell of senior flight attendants in First Class is unbeatable.

 

When I find my seat the first problem is there is someone sitting in it. They clearly have issues with basic education such as reading and I ensure the flight attendant explains it all and moves them along. It’s at this point that I question why I was such a dick about the seating, because I am stuck between two rather large individuals. The steerage seats are so damn small, they leave very little room for fat people and these two are Channel 4 documentary fat. Their flesh is rolling over my armrests and invading my seat and there is nothing I can do about it.

 

As I wedge myself in between them my mind is working overtime trying to figure out how they managed to get into the seats in the first place. And, if they need to use the bathroom what engineering practice will be applied to get them there.

 

I decide the best plan is to close my eyes and try to get some shut-eye but I’m suddenly interrupted, “Do you mind if we use your tray table for our cards”? They know each other? Why are they not sitting side-by-side? They can’t, they’re too fat! I shut this shit down quickly, “No you can’t use my tray table, it has to be stowed for takeoff”. “But we are playing snap”! I ignore this because it’s clearly a joke, what grown up plays snap?

 

I suddenly notice that the sound of their breathing is so loud it’s masking the sound of the engines, fucking nightmare. But, that doesn’t matter because all of a sudden the bearded 140kg man beside me asks the flight attendant, “are the bathrooms gender neutral”? She sees me roll my eyes at this nonsense and grins and informs the person the toilets are unisex and can only be occupied by one gender at a time. “Excuse me,” he barks back, “but I am not male nor female, I am foxkin”! At this point she seems totally flustered and says, “What is that”?

 

Not good!

 

Without hesitation the tears start flowing from the ‘fox’ sitting beside me and this is where my recent training, with the SJWs of New York, comes into play.

 

“I think that I can help here”. I turn to the fox and explain to them, “this person is from the Middle East; they know only male and female”. “In fact” I explain, “in their country they can’t even demonstrate individuality, they must remain covered in long robes at all times. Not everyone has your social freedoms”. I smile a soothing smile and turn to the flight attendant who is not on board and she steers the ship into a giant SJW iceberg, “I’m not from the Middle East,” she yells at me, which is very confusing. I was convinced that she was, Middle East airline and all that.

 

At this point I shut my mouth and decide that I am not enough of a SJW to be able to calm down the angry cow and offended fox that are still barking at each other. The most confusing part of all of this, even though I get the whole otherkin thing, is why foxkin? If he had said slothkin I would have gotten it but foxkin? You’ve got to be shitting me!

 

Either way, if you need to go badly enough any toilet will do and I have unequivocally decided never to fly steerage again. Way too many animals for my liking.

 

Photo by Antonio Grosz on Unsplash